Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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