I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
