i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
