I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
