You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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