She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
