my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
