If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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