i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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