I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
