I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
