i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
