Swine flu. Run for my life!
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Come see our sink grown plant.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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