Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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