Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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