Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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