Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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