You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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