Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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