Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
