I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize