i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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