...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
