You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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