Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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