Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
