Operation Purity has been aborted
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
