I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
