I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
