just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
21 Guys Share Their Insane Stripper Stories
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
27 Reasons Why Men Need To Moan More During Sex
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.