My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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