just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
