Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
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That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
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I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize