i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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