im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
apparently the secret to your success is patron
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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