dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
