dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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