**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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