So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
