Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
