I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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