I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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