i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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