ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
