He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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