Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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