just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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