there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
