I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
