I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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