who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
