i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
