Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
