My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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