Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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