Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
3 2 1 whiskey
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
