do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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