Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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