I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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