I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
