well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
